vicissitudes, ventings and vacillations

and then

Had to leave the dinner table to get away from my father hurling abuse at the TV news, screaming at my sister, threatening to shove his foot up the dog’s bum, and swearing when someone makes too much noise while clearing up the dishes.  Paralysed.

Come back to an email with a detailed sociological critique from a friend of why I am wrong in asking him not to use the word ‘cunt’ on my Facebook page and why it is not misogynistic.

Need to be working on my presentation for the conference tomorrow, and the university wants me to be interviewed by the newspaper about it.  Supreme lack of confidence or any kind of self-assurance right now, however.  Not a good combination.

Will I ever be strong enough to stay angry, instead of reverting to fear and shame?

The worn-down relationship

A dear friend told me last night that she is now ‘dating’ a person who has been after her for several years, whom she has previously rejected the advances of on multiple occasions because she was unequivocally not interested.

I’ve never met this person, so I realise I’m being extremely unfair and judgmental, but I feel as though she’s ‘settling’.  I feel like she can do much better.  This person does not appear to have anything going for them, and my friend has told me on previous occasions how little respect she had for them and how sorry she felt for them.  They don’t even live in the same state.   Why would you suddenly want to go out with someone that you don’t like, you don’t have much respect for, has little to offer in terms of personality, or really in terms of anything, and you don’t even live anywhere near - so you can’t get any action?

I think she’s just lonely, and wanting to feel desired.  Its hard to pretend that I’m supportive of her in this, and I didn’t do a very good job of pretending yesterday.

Another friend was in a similar situation a few months ago, he was rejecting the advances of a girl for a long time.  Eventually, they hooked up and they’re now going out.  I am actually quite happy about this, because I like the girl and I think that she’s good for him.  I think he often doesn’t know what’s good for himself, so I’m glad she did wear him down.

In a different situation that happened a while back, a friend dated a (loser) guy who had been wearing her down for months.  They went out for over a year, and she was forever lamenting his lack of ambition, antisocialness, passivity, apathy… basically he was a fairly miserable person with no interest in life.  But he adored her - as most guys do.  She has never been short of male suitors.  A few months ago he dumped her because he felt like they had different life goals (ie she had some, and he had none).  And she’s miserable, now.

So I guess that these things don’t play out uniformly, and I shouldn’t pre-judge these situations.  I know that I am very judgmental, in most things, and sometimes I’m wrong.  But I don’t think you should settle for someone who’s a deadshit, just because you’re lonely and they make you feel wanted. I think you should be in a relationship with someone who you genuinely respect, admire and find pretty saucy.  Otherwise, frankly, its a bit dishonest.  Verging on prostitution, IMHO.

Its much easier to stand back and pronounce judgment on someone else’s relationships, particularly when you care about them and think they’re pretty special people.

Cower-d

I judge others for being cowardly, yet I can’t fix or face my own primal daily terror.